Steve Jobs’ Batteries Ran Out Today; Couldn’t Find His Wall Charger – Confirmed Dead

Laughs were shared by all at the newsroom today when word had been received about Steve Jobs’ humorously ironic death. Steve Jobs, co founder of the mega corporation Apple – who were responsible for the widely used gadgets the iPod, iPhone and iPad – was found dead this morning, curled up next to his wall socket. Forensic psychologists on the scene say that Steve Jobs had run out of batteries in the middle of the night, woke up in a cold sweat after realising he was on his last bar and desperately searched the house for his wall charger, which was presumably missing… or stolen.

Several people knocked on Steve’s door in the morning, to discuss their iPods with him, and received no answer. Sources say these people just went on with their day, despite the looming possibility that Steve Jobs was in danger. This is another sad glimpse at the bystander effect in all its terrible shame. At roughly 11:30am the milk delivery man, who had been delivering milk to Steve’s home every day for the past 15 years, thought that something was up and forced open Steve Jobs’ back door, which will never look the same again. “Steve is always home, he never leaves the house, so when I knocked on his door and he didn’t answer, I knew something was up” said the milk delivery man when we interviewed him just now. The delivery man, who shall remain nameless because his role in society is not considered to be important, immediately dropped his milk, broke down the door and rushed to Steve Job’s body, who was described by the anonymous milk man as having “a blank white screen, as white as milk… his eyes, which used to be milky white, were now big black crosses”. The milk delivery man attempted to ‘reset’ Stevens’ battery by holding his lock button and home button at the same time; to no success. Steve was confirmed dead at 11:40am, and his wall charger was later found under his bed.

Rest in peace Steve Jobs, you silly man!


Police Photograph of Steve Jobs Remains (06/10/11) WARNING: graphic content (too late).

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Virgin Galactic Opens Spacecraft Plant

I read this article on the train today: ‘commercial space travel’, these are the three best words I have ever seen together in a newspaper, I’m surprised it wasn’t on the front page. This is a very big step in the right direction. Seeing as how we all have an expiry date stamped on us, we only have a small window of time to see and experience the the world we live on, yet alone space. We are like fish swimming in a fish bowl, not knowing what life is like outside the glass. If we are to ever see space in our lifetime, then work needs to be started now to make it a possibility. This is very exciting news and should make everyone thankful to be alive at such a promising time. Sure tickets are going to be expensive at first, but at least one day, maybe when we are old and ready to say goodbye to this planet, we can rocket ourselves to space and have one last good look at it, from the outside.
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