The Dalai Lama Kills a Mosquito

This short video of a conversation between The Dalai Lama and journalist Bill Moyers, shows two sides to The Dalai Lama. The first side is that he is a fairly patient man who shows compassion to all living beings – evidenced by his allowing a mosquito to drink some of his blood. While the second side is that he is a cold blooded murderer, who behind the scenes, kills mosquitoes for fun. Seriously, The Dalai Lama is ruthless, don’t let his playful exterior fool you. This is one man that is not to be messed with.

Nah, the Dalai Lama’s a good guy, not that I know him or anything, I’ve just been fooled by his playful exterior. Check out this video of him not getting a joke – it’s very funny!

Steve Jobs’ Batteries Ran Out Today; Couldn’t Find His Wall Charger – Confirmed Dead

Laughs were shared by all at the newsroom today when word had been received about Steve Jobs’ humorously ironic death. Steve Jobs, co founder of the mega corporation Apple – who were responsible for the widely used gadgets the iPod, iPhone and iPad – was found dead this morning, curled up next to his wall socket. Forensic psychologists on the scene say that Steve Jobs had run out of batteries in the middle of the night, woke up in a cold sweat after realising he was on his last bar and desperately searched the house for his wall charger, which was presumably missing… or stolen.

Several people knocked on Steve’s door in the morning, to discuss their iPods with him, and received no answer. Sources say these people just went on with their day, despite the looming possibility that Steve Jobs was in danger. This is another sad glimpse at the bystander effect in all its terrible shame. At roughly 11:30am the milk delivery man, who had been delivering milk to Steve’s home every day for the past 15 years, thought that something was up and forced open Steve Jobs’ back door, which will never look the same again. “Steve is always home, he never leaves the house, so when I knocked on his door and he didn’t answer, I knew something was up” said the milk delivery man when we interviewed him just now. The delivery man, who shall remain nameless because his role in society is not considered to be important, immediately dropped his milk, broke down the door and rushed to Steve Job’s body, who was described by the anonymous milk man as having “a blank white screen, as white as milk… his eyes, which used to be milky white, were now big black crosses”. The milk delivery man attempted to ‘reset’ Stevens’ battery by holding his lock button and home button at the same time; to no success. Steve was confirmed dead at 11:40am, and his wall charger was later found under his bed.

Rest in peace Steve Jobs, you silly man!

iPhone

Police Photograph of Steve Jobs Remains (06/10/11) WARNING: graphic content (too late).

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The Kentucky Derby Is Decadent and Depraved.

Hunter S Thompson

This is the article that propelled Hunter S Thompson’s writing skills to new heights and established his style known as ‘Gonzo’ journalism. Written in 1970, after publishing both The Rum Diaries and Hell’s Angels, Thompson was required to write a sports article covering the Kentucky Derby. However, he didn’t actually get to see the race, and instead wrote a manic first person account of his observations of the people attending the event. Faced with a deadline, and not having written anything resembling an article, Hunter tore out pages from his notebooks, and scrambled together this exciting narrative which was published in Scanlan’s Monthly. The writing of this article was later worked into his most famous novel, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, two years later, which has the protagonist Raoul Duke (Hunter’s alter ego) attempt to write a story on the Mint 400 motorcycle race in Las Vegas; unsuccessfully of course. If you’re a fan of Hunter S Thompson’s writing then you owe it to yourself to read this article if you haven’t already, and if you’ve never read any of his work, then this might just turn you onto him!
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Virgin Galactic Opens Spacecraft Plant

I read this article on the train today: ‘commercial space travel’, these are the three best words I have ever seen together in a newspaper, I’m surprised it wasn’t on the front page. This is a very big step in the right direction. Seeing as how we all have an expiry date stamped on us, we only have a small window of time to see and experience the the world we live on, yet alone space. We are like fish swimming in a fish bowl, not knowing what life is like outside the glass. If we are to ever see space in our lifetime, then work needs to be started now to make it a possibility. This is very exciting news and should make everyone thankful to be alive at such a promising time. Sure tickets are going to be expensive at first, but at least one day, maybe when we are old and ready to say goodbye to this planet, we can rocket ourselves to space and have one last good look at it, from the outside.
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North Carolina Teen Tries to Rob Bank With Banana, Then Eats It Before Police Arrive

Duel

WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. —  Authorities say a North Carolina teen who was thwarted as he tried to rob a store with a banana ate it before they could arrive.

Winston-Salem authorities say 17-year-old John Szwalla held the banana under his shirt when he entered the store Thursday, saying he had a gun and demanded money.

Owner Bobby Ray Mabe says he and a customer jumped Szwalla, holding him until deputies arrived. While they waited, Mabe says the teen ate the banana.

Mabe says deputies took pictures of the banana peel.

Forsyth County Sheriff’s office spokesman Maj. Brad Stanley says deputies joked about charging Szwalla with destroying evidence.

Szwalla faces a charge of attempted armed robbery. Jail officials say he doesn’t have an attorney.

Heavy Metal Kills!

Heavy Metal

By Michael Cunningham

Heavy metal sensation Metallica have had to end their highly talked about world tour due to a tragically ironic event that occurred last night at their concert in Melbourne, Australia. 14 year old boy Andrew Cobb was crushed to death by a very heavy piece of metal that fell from the top of the stadium Metallica was performing in. The object that killed the young boy was supposedly a piece of metal from the scaffolding which rowdy Metallica fans were climbing on and shaking violently. The unfortunate death has caused much outcry, especially from the heavy metal fans who won’t get to see Metallica play in their country. The parents of Andrew Cobb stress that “Heavy metal concerts are unsafe and should be banned,” a comment which has brought about considerable press attention.

“Only at a Metallica concert would fans climb onto a very unstable scaffold in the middle of the performance!” local police deputy, Andy Dufraine tells the Daily Word Newspaper. There is currently a worldwide petition to ban heavy metal music from ever making it to a live stage again; “While I’m not familiar with the music, I think banning it is a good idea” says local official, Ben Wong. “After all, the fans of heavy metal music are clearly all drunken hoodlums and Satanists, hell bent on killing innocent children!” Metallica fans who attended the concert say that it was all just an unfortunate accident, and in relation to all heavy metal fans being violent Satanists, Metallica fan Chris Blueberry speaks up, “We’re all really good people once you get to know us, the whole rowdy scaffolding incident was just because the band didn’t play Enter Sandman, and we were all a little bit upset as you can imagine!” Enter the Sandman, Metallica’s most acclaimed single has reached gold for selling over 500,000 copies in the US and has been a live staple of the band since its release.

Riot