Heavy Metal Kills!

Heavy Metal

By Michael Cunningham

Heavy metal sensation Metallica have had to end their highly talked about world tour due to a tragically ironic event that occurred last night at their concert in Melbourne, Australia. 14 year old boy Andrew Cobb was crushed to death by a very heavy piece of metal that fell from the top of the stadium Metallica was performing in. The object that killed the young boy was supposedly a piece of metal from the scaffolding which rowdy Metallica fans were climbing on and shaking violently. The unfortunate death has caused much outcry, especially from the heavy metal fans who won’t get to see Metallica play in their country. The parents of Andrew Cobb stress that “Heavy metal concerts are unsafe and should be banned,” a comment which has brought about considerable press attention.

“Only at a Metallica concert would fans climb onto a very unstable scaffold in the middle of the performance!” local police deputy, Andy Dufraine tells the Daily Word Newspaper. There is currently a worldwide petition to ban heavy metal music from ever making it to a live stage again; “While I’m not familiar with the music, I think banning it is a good idea” says local official, Ben Wong. “After all, the fans of heavy metal music are clearly all drunken hoodlums and Satanists, hell bent on killing innocent children!” Metallica fans who attended the concert say that it was all just an unfortunate accident, and in relation to all heavy metal fans being violent Satanists, Metallica fan Chris Blueberry speaks up, “We’re all really good people once you get to know us, the whole rowdy scaffolding incident was just because the band didn’t play Enter Sandman, and we were all a little bit upset as you can imagine!” Enter the Sandman, Metallica’s most acclaimed single has reached gold for selling over 500,000 copies in the US and has been a live staple of the band since its release.

Riot

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